"Did I just make a huge mistake?"
I always say that the worst and most difficult decisions to make are the ones you can't go back on later. Usually those are the bigger decisions in life, but not always. The decisions that are final (or at least feel that way) are so stressful for me! Only having one shot at making the "right," or "best" decision....I mean, what if I choose the wrong thing? Then I'll just be stuck with that decision forever...no backsies. Knowing what to do in those situations is always difficult for me, and sometimes I get stuck. I hate feeling like I've made a bad choice that's going to affect me negatively for the rest of my life. Have you ever felt like you've made an enormous mistake? I find this to be a little difficult to explain, but I'm going to try my best: You know, that one past decision you made which you weren't really sure about at the time, but you made it anyway...and now you're not so sure you chose the right thing? You know the one....it was uncomfortable to make, and because of that uncertainty, now you can't shake the memory of the moment you finally made yourself decide?
*Rewind* Think about it for a second. Maybe you had been going back and forth between two choices for what seemed like forever, and you just couldn't take the constant feeling of doubting yourself, so you forced your brain to "just make a decision already!" So, you picked one. You did it, and then you walk away. After that, you just hoped it was going to turn out alright somehow. *Fast Forward* It's today. Some song just came on the radio, and suddenly all you can think about is the situation you were in when you forced that decision. Right away, you're back to doubting yourself. You're back at that moment, and you can't help but wonder if you chose the wrong thing. That maybe you wound up majorly screwing yourself over, and you wish that you could go back and choose the other option instead. But, you can't, and now you feel like you made an enormous mistake. The kind of mistake that you feel you might regret for the rest of your life. Of course, this place you now find yourself in is uncomfortable too. So, what do you do? You try to shake it off, scraping to envision your future in the best possible light, sticking with the choice you made...deciding not to live in the negative "what ifs" of a past "might have been" situation. You reason with yourself - plotting out a path with zero regrets. Here, you hope that somewhere down the road you will run into an event that validates the choice you made, so that maybe your decision will one day make sense and suddenly you'll realize that this "mistake" was what led you to the awesomeness that will be your life at that point.
I suppose some might call that feeling the "fear of missing out," or maybe just "wishful thinking." And let me tell you, that's where I find myself today. Not just today, but an awful lot of days lately. I hate the feeling...it makes me squirm just envisioning it. I get a sort of heavy feeling in my chest, like I can't quite get a full breath. And usually, it plunges me so deep into thought that I forget where I am for a minute or two. Yeah, it sucks. So believe me when I say that I get it. Normally, this is where a blog like mine comes in with some sort of inspirational reassurance that everything is going to be fine. And, in one sense, I won't disappoint. I can offer the reassurance that God uses ALL things for good...including our choices. Even the choices you made when you weren't sure what the right thing was. Even everything that came (& will still come) from that decision you rushed yourself into making out of sheer self-doubt. That is a promise, and you can trust it with all you have. The good WILL come, even if it takes longer than you think it should, and even if it doesn't look anything at all like you thought it would. It absolutely WILL come. If nothing else, hang on to that truth. What I won't do is tell you that the feeling gets easier. That self-doubt and regret? The uncomfortable feeling when you're stuck between trying to embrace your past choices and live with the uncertainty of them. Yeah...I won't tell you that the feeling just magically vanishes one day. And if you're still looking "down the road" for someone or something to validate that past decision for your current life situation, well, I won't tell you to stop. I also won't tell you that you will recognize that person or event or achievement which will "validate your choice" when they finally waltz onto your horizon. Honestly, I'm not so sure I've found that thing in my own life yet. If it's already in my life, I don't realize it yet. I am still very unsure as to whether or not I made the right choice way back then. I feel it all the time. And it's hard. I don't like it. It hurts sometimes. BUT, I know that good is coming, and I'm not in control of the when, where, or how. It's going to come, in God's time, in God's way. And I can almost guarantee that I will not see it until much later, when I look back and say to God, "Aahhh, I see what you did there." And who knows, maybe God's "good" includes me getting to change what I chose back then. Nothing's impossible. But, if that's not what is going to be best, then that's not what I want. I want whatever "best" God has for me now, in spite of (and maybe even because of) the choices I've made up to this point. I'm not always successful in my attempts, but I'm trying to trust Him fully with what I've got. For now, I also trust that He still loves me and is aware of how I feel...even when I'm squirming in self-doubt and/or regret. Sometimes that state of uncomfortable acknowledgment that you just might not be perfect is awful...and necessary. It's ok. He's still got you, even when you're not so sure. If you can relate, you're not alone. None of us are perfect, and even if the decision which came to mind as you were reading this really is one you can't take back...well, just know that God is already working it out. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. It probably will keep being uncomfortable. That's alright. Acknowledge it, squirm a little, then remember that God holds you in the palm of His hand. He knows. He cares. Trust Him. God, even when we don't know what to do, help us to keep our eyes on you.